Is That Your Hand in MY Pocket ?

Why negotiating is good for your self-esteem.

There’s no question that women have issues about money, entitlements, and boundaries.
Knowing where this all comes from is a critical piece in someone’s journey of healing. Self-awareness is the portal to repairing the damage a woman feels today from her childhood experiences and societal messaging.
The women who negotiate about personal items verses business items, are comfortable in their sense of entitlements; “it’s my money and I will decide how and where I spend it, and I am not concerned about your perception of WHO I am in this exchange.” Bravo !!

But, most women shy away from negotiating because it touches off shame and the lack of boundaries. So often what underlies the hesitation to negotiate is the need for approval and to be liked, even by a stranger. How many times do you hear women refuse to go into small boutiques to shop because the attention of the sales person is too focused on them? They have difficulty setting the boundaries and will feel intimidated, whereas in a larger store, they can be almost invisible.

A good tool for one’s self-esteem is this:
Look at purchasing as a game. Find what you want, set a price lower than the ticket and then engage the salesperson and query them how to get the item for less… what would you have to give up to knock the price down? And, relax while you do it, keep your face and body soft and likable, smile a lot and be persistent. People prefer to deal with people who are sweet, lovely, and humorous…. remember, they may be having a challenging day, and you could very well be the highlight of their day.

Gulliver's Travels ....

There is a phrase I use constantly when talking to people about how authentic change is a very slow moving process, and patience combined with compassion is the way to manage that time.
The phrase is: "like little cat feet...." and the example I use is: " If you were walking from here to Santa Barbara, and everyday you only took ONE cat step, it might take you a year to get to SB, but you would get there....." Everyone nods in acknowledgment....they get the picture.

Then another image came to mind in trying to get a client to grasp the enormity of the journey, so she would stop punishing herself for not making faster progress.

Gulliver...remember the image of him being tied down by thousands of tiny, thin ropes that to him were 'just' strings...but how the villagers actually had control over him.

Well, our fears, our monsters in our closets are like the villagers....holding us back from living a life that belongs to us, not our fears.

So, each time we have a cat step forward, we are cutting yet another rope, another tie, releasing another fear from occupancy in our heads.
And, it moves slowly.....intentionally.

So, be patient, be kind to yourself, you are on the right road....

Back In The Saddle....

No, I am not taking up Gene Autry songs from the prairie...as you all have noticed, I have been AWOL for four months. A self-imposed hiatus as I dealt with a lot of personal loss and change that took all of my concentration and focus to stay 'in the boat', as I call it when the storm kicks up, challenging everything we thought we 'knew' to be true.

( I love metaphors...)

So, back I am, in a new home, in a new part of LA, and living a partially new life, which I have earned at a cost.

"The cost"? you might ask....the cost was/is about letting go; letting go of demons, more monsters in my closet, re-defining my life without the luggage of drama. Experiencing my life sans the confusion.

So, I am on the eve of my business really expanding yet again...the recordings are up on the site, Susan Solovic is putting me on her ABC Show this Friday, PR releases are out and the telephone is ringing......this is a good week....

My August Newsletter is about PERMISSION and I am including one of my recordings...so sign up and listen to one of my clients talk about SHAME.

Attention is the currency....

I was reading a magazine this morning, where the writer used the phrase: Attention is the currency of a relationship. I love this. For the longest time, I have said:
The two things children are hungry for are: presence and patience. And, as we get older and more secure with ourselves, presence wins over patience.

Those who have that gap in their lives, gravitate to those who offer that level of nurturing...mostly, unknowingly. Sort of like turning your face to the warmth of the sun; you do it without thinking.

I have a friend who truly embodies the phrase LOVE....she oozes it; in her speech, mannerisms, everything about her makes that statement. No wonder where ever she goes, people just perk up when they see her. It's as if she sprinkles fairly dust where ever she goes. In those nano seconds of contact, she is 100% present...and whoever is in her line of vision, feels it. And, those who know her better can count on her to be 100% present when they are sharing a problem, asking advice or just being in the same space.

She, for me, has become a great role model for how to be in a loving space, all the time. It takes discipline, and focus...but, then again, it's really about being in the moment...a challenge that has been on my path for a long time.
Learning to shift impacts everyone around you...even total strangers.

The sun is out...another great day in LA....!

Letting GO....

As many of you may know, these months of March and April, for me, are in part about literally moving, but as I take a step back and get a different perspective, there are many life lessons the universe is putting in front of me, and I am taking the female Alpha role to embrace those lessons and learn more about myself.

Having said that, I did want to share this piece that I wrote 5 months ago which is very timely:

I am currently watching a client move from the old mental file factory of FEAR into the house of JOY.I am thrilled for her and once again feel validated that it is not too late to change; that even at 63, we can all make different choices.

It takes blind courage sometimes. Certainly a leap of Faith, definitely the early signs of Trust. And, it requires discipline to keep at it.

And, it is a slow process that requires patience and compassion.
Just yesterday I was talking with a person from our current workshop series, and she is 32, and she asked me:
“Tell me honestly, do you really think I can have a different life? Will there be a time when I actually stop worrying, stop being afraid of men, stop obsessing over money and my shame about it?”

I did not hesitate one iota, I knew the correct answer was ‘Yes” because of my journey into letting go of FEAR and embracing JOY.
As I trust myself now in my current life, so can she, so can you.

How much of our adult life is stuck in replaying old issues in our mind, repeatedly like a hamster on a wheel. That file factory stores not only real events, but imaginary ones as well. That’s a lot of megabites.

But, spiritually, this is our work in this life now; to heal, to mend, to forgive and move ahead. When we start practicing letting go it is a road of two steps ahead, one back…wash, rinse and repeat…. if we can keep our commitments, we can get there…trust the universe; what happens, happens for a reason.

Dancing In The Dark...

I was sitting with a dear friend today who's birthday is this week...turning 46...and I commented on my approaching birthday ( it's 9 months away..) but still, time is moving too fast. I said to her: "I can't dance fast enough to catch up with my life."
After she stopped laughing she said: "What a great book title !" But, it's true...time is speeding so fast, I feel like I have whiplash.

But, the other part of why things feel they are moving so fast is: I am in the dark as to what is around the corner for me; I have my favorite dog loosing her health, I am giving up this amazing house that has helped me heal these last 2.5 years, and my perfect paycheck job is in re-invention mode, so, for the next 6 months, I need a replacement.

Did you just think: "STRESS???" Yup....that's my life now...and has been here since November. But, sometimes I step back and look at the 3 lessons these life altering events are forcing me to face: DOG: Letting go; House: standing still; Job search: Patience.
Each one of those, by themselves is a huge challenge for me, but all three....that's the trifecta! Where can I go to gain wisdom to cope with all of this? Where can I go to just get a break from the constant feeling of a boot on my neck? How do I let go and let it all float off my psyche like paint rising in water off a canvas?

Unfortunately, there is no taking a vacation from this self-imposed 'hamster-on-a-wheel' cycle. The only way out is to bring in the Canadian Mounted Police: Trust, Faith and Courage. This is a toughie...this is real challenge, this feels like the hardest thing I have ever done...: Let go, Stand Still and have Patience. And the underlying force for all three has been fear, so by letting go of the fear, and not jumping into action because of fear and stopping the internal assumptions that what is in my hand will disappear because of fear, I can begin to ground myself and come from a place of power and control. Fear and power are opposite sides of the same coin.

So, another month has passed....and my birthday is now even closer....but, I'm getting some perspective....and not buying candles this week.

Worrying...a form of punishment ?

There is no doubt that worrying is gender specific; women worry more than men. I was thinking about an article a friend sent the other day from a woman's health site that was taking about the physical ramifications of worrying and how it is so bad for one's health. Well,on one hand, that just adds more worrying; worrying about worrying. hmmmm.
And then I started to think, "why do we worry more?"

I always go backwards to our development as a society...back to pioneer days, back to cave man days ...and what seems to be consistent is the feeling of vulnerability; women have that instinctively, men don't. Women were left behind to tend the hearth, protect the children, keep the nest intact; men were out competing and bringing home food.

Ok, so now what do we do with that insight?
I have had clients for whom worrying is almost a second job. For me, worrying has taken on the subtle mantel of self-punishment. As my life has shifted in many ways quite dramatically this past year, my anger over some of my choices is surfacing, and instead of being played out in a direct manner, it has been disguised as worrying.

How do I know this to be true? Because every time we depart from being totally authentic and allow our fears to control our actions, we are being unfaithful to ourselves. It matters less the 'weapon of choice' and more that once we have crossed over the threshold of taking back our lives, we are smarter, more aware and more clever to find new ways to keep ourselves in the dark. It is a constant work in progress.

Worrying takes us away from being in the moment. Worrying shifts the focus from the now to the future, and side steps the compassion for our selves and the surrender of the thinking that things will be whatever the universe has planned for us.

For me, this has been the year of letting go...which I think I have only made progress to 25%; it is truly one of the hardest things for me to do. Letting go requires trust of the unknown, giving up control, getting on you back and floating.

More about that next time...