I was listening to a friend the other day lament about an issue she was having with her 6 year old daughter. Her first reaction when witnessing what her daughter did, was embarrassment which converted into shame at 3 AM, as she tossed and turned and felt she was being a bad mother. The self-punishing demons were dancing around her bedroom. The years of suppressed anger from her step mother's critical and judgmental comments fueled the demons tap dance.
This was my advice to her:
First: she is six and a single child.
Second: the damage your step mother inflicted upon you came from her own psycho mother...you did nothing wrong; you only wanted to be loved, valued and the hole in your heart filled from the profound loss of your own mother.
Third: in order for you to heal these issues fostered upon you, sometimes the universe sends us packages, people, events, so we can have a real time 'workshop' within ourselves to heal the issue.
Maybe at birth, each person get's their homework assignments of what they have to heal in this life time, in this body, in this family.
Fourth: how many times do we comment that the universe puts things in our path for a reason ? You need to thank your daughter for this issue in order for you to heal and let go of it.
It is much less about what she did than the underlying feelings that got touched off.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Life and Death Struggle
Why challenging the monsters in your closet sometimes feels like a life and death struggle
A client shared something with me the other day her bouts with FEAR seem to be getting deeper, ironically, as she is shifting and becoming more authentic.
Little things that she has been noticing, like staying on schedule, having more perspective about what is going on in her current life now, keeping her home neater, creating interesting solutions to everyday problems ( opening a jar, transferring liquids from one container to another, etc). She more present than ever before and FEELS things in greater dimensions. What is going on she wanted to know….why is it going on she wondered.
She shared with me that when she had the perspective that her business was much further along now, than a year ago...she is really poised to take off; products to sell on her site, rough draft of first book to be made public, SEO company doing it’s thing, she felt amazed….very pleased, even proud; she really has come along way in 12 months in spite of the lack of support from some family members, she followed her heart, her passion.
Here’s where the fireworks start: as she moves more into the light, leaving the shadows behind, her separating from the clutches of the imaginary monsters fuels the fears of drowning financially, of going under...of being abandoned.
The more authentic she is, the more she will feel the heat of the fire. If you imagine a campfire, and as you dance around it, the closer you get to the center….the hotter it becomes. Is that metaphor any different than getting to our own center, our own core, our own unique personality, and quirkiness, what truly makes us our own person. The person who was denied so many years ago.
The monsters served a purpose when she was very young, when she lacked the physical skills to manage on her own. She has her own survival skills now…and frankly, has had them for years. But she is ready emotionally to move on, to reclaim her true identity…ergo, the conflict is now rising to the surface.
Living in denial, a many do, the conflicts stay dormant. Remember the fairy tales about disturbing the sleeping monster, or a sleeping bear? Beware.
How do we manage this conflict? It’s not easy, but clear and consistent: breathe deeply, read the chant we talk about in our sessions, try to get a different perspective; remember: “if you change the way to look at something, what you look at changes.” Have compassion for yourself…and patience for every step you take.
And, it is a life and death struggle: life for the authentic you and death to the monsters of your childhood.
A client shared something with me the other day her bouts with FEAR seem to be getting deeper, ironically, as she is shifting and becoming more authentic.
Little things that she has been noticing, like staying on schedule, having more perspective about what is going on in her current life now, keeping her home neater, creating interesting solutions to everyday problems ( opening a jar, transferring liquids from one container to another, etc). She more present than ever before and FEELS things in greater dimensions. What is going on she wanted to know….why is it going on she wondered.
She shared with me that when she had the perspective that her business was much further along now, than a year ago...she is really poised to take off; products to sell on her site, rough draft of first book to be made public, SEO company doing it’s thing, she felt amazed….very pleased, even proud; she really has come along way in 12 months in spite of the lack of support from some family members, she followed her heart, her passion.
Here’s where the fireworks start: as she moves more into the light, leaving the shadows behind, her separating from the clutches of the imaginary monsters fuels the fears of drowning financially, of going under...of being abandoned.
The more authentic she is, the more she will feel the heat of the fire. If you imagine a campfire, and as you dance around it, the closer you get to the center….the hotter it becomes. Is that metaphor any different than getting to our own center, our own core, our own unique personality, and quirkiness, what truly makes us our own person. The person who was denied so many years ago.
The monsters served a purpose when she was very young, when she lacked the physical skills to manage on her own. She has her own survival skills now…and frankly, has had them for years. But she is ready emotionally to move on, to reclaim her true identity…ergo, the conflict is now rising to the surface.
Living in denial, a many do, the conflicts stay dormant. Remember the fairy tales about disturbing the sleeping monster, or a sleeping bear? Beware.
How do we manage this conflict? It’s not easy, but clear and consistent: breathe deeply, read the chant we talk about in our sessions, try to get a different perspective; remember: “if you change the way to look at something, what you look at changes.” Have compassion for yourself…and patience for every step you take.
And, it is a life and death struggle: life for the authentic you and death to the monsters of your childhood.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Self-Criticism is our default button
I always use the metaphor of a cracked wagon wheel to illustrate the following: if our self-esteem is damaged (the core) then the wheel will wobble as it rolls down the street. Each spoke represents different aspects of our lives: family, finances, health, partners, etc.
In trying to explain to a client why she always feels inadequate, not smart, less than...always going to the negative, I took the wagon wheel metaphor an laid it flat, like a roulette wheel, and then said: "you always NEED to be someplace other than the present...like the little metal ball that randomly skips around as the wheel is turning, looking for a place to settle. If it's not your career, it's your body, if it's not your body, it's your intelligence; if not that, it's your________________. Doesn't matter, it's always SOMETHING.
It needs to be because every time you step into the light of authenticity, you can only tolerate the brightness for so long, because you DO NOT RECOGNIZE yourself as separate from the adapted self you learned as a child in order to survive your childhood. If you could hold up a mirror in those moments, you would be surprised at the face staring back.
You would ask: "Who is THAT ?"
This is part of your journey to re-claim that which was hijacked from you. When children are not encouraged to be themselves, to have their own feelings separate from their parents and older siblings, they create an adapted persona in order to not disturb the dynamics and alienate the caregivers.
Children very early on understand the concept of making Mommy and Daddy happy, or so they think. They will fuss with older siblings who reject them. It's always about who has the power, at some point. And, it's almost never the younger child who has any direct power. Sometimes younger children get power from appearing to be the sick one, the victim, the frail one, so they get all the attention, pushing the older children to manage on their own. I have heard from many older siblings how their parents used to say to them: "Your sister needs to much attention, and you are so capable, so, we don't worry about you."
Ouch ! The older children's needs just get sidelined. And often, they feel guilt or shame if they express their needs and wants; their sense of entitlements get squashed.
It's time to re-claim your life, your needs and your identity. It's all waiting for you, just around the bend...start with keeping commitments to yourself, as small as they may seem. Building self-respect is one of the stepping stones to healing. You cannot garnish self-respect without self-integrity.
In trying to explain to a client why she always feels inadequate, not smart, less than...always going to the negative, I took the wagon wheel metaphor an laid it flat, like a roulette wheel, and then said: "you always NEED to be someplace other than the present...like the little metal ball that randomly skips around as the wheel is turning, looking for a place to settle. If it's not your career, it's your body, if it's not your body, it's your intelligence; if not that, it's your________________. Doesn't matter, it's always SOMETHING.
It needs to be because every time you step into the light of authenticity, you can only tolerate the brightness for so long, because you DO NOT RECOGNIZE yourself as separate from the adapted self you learned as a child in order to survive your childhood. If you could hold up a mirror in those moments, you would be surprised at the face staring back.
You would ask: "Who is THAT ?"
This is part of your journey to re-claim that which was hijacked from you. When children are not encouraged to be themselves, to have their own feelings separate from their parents and older siblings, they create an adapted persona in order to not disturb the dynamics and alienate the caregivers.
Children very early on understand the concept of making Mommy and Daddy happy, or so they think. They will fuss with older siblings who reject them. It's always about who has the power, at some point. And, it's almost never the younger child who has any direct power. Sometimes younger children get power from appearing to be the sick one, the victim, the frail one, so they get all the attention, pushing the older children to manage on their own. I have heard from many older siblings how their parents used to say to them: "Your sister needs to much attention, and you are so capable, so, we don't worry about you."
Ouch ! The older children's needs just get sidelined. And often, they feel guilt or shame if they express their needs and wants; their sense of entitlements get squashed.
It's time to re-claim your life, your needs and your identity. It's all waiting for you, just around the bend...start with keeping commitments to yourself, as small as they may seem. Building self-respect is one of the stepping stones to healing. You cannot garnish self-respect without self-integrity.
Friday, September 4, 2009
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