The Voices Heard during Childhood Silences

I was at a networking even the other evening and someone was talking about how young children who live in dysfunctional families (which is 98% of the world) process silences from their parents.
And, it made me think about my life and how it was not until I was 57 did I learn that I could actually choose my thoughts. Pretty powerful stuff. Learned it from Chellie Campbell.

So, what has become so clear to me now is: when young children live in an unpredictable home, there is usually a lack of boundaries, various forms of abuse (even ignoring a child is form of abuse), and they are charged with the awesome responsibility to process what they cannot understand. So, their imagination starts to create explanations as to why their father won’t play with them, won’t allow them to even sit on his lap while watching TV. Why their mother is constantly on the telephone talking to her friends, why their parents are arguing, doors slamming, silence at the dinner table.

The child is thinking: “ Oh God, I am going to be alone, who will feed me, where will I sleep, who will play with me…?” Kids go to the dark side real fast…and it doesn’t go away as one gets older…it gets worse; the monsters in the closet invent what we think is reality, when in the real world, what we are worrying about is not the case at all. And, we have power and choice as we get older, but emotionally we are still four years old.

Ironworkers of our psyche

There I was, driving away from date #2 with bachelor #12, and I was edgy, which is a red flag for under-the-surface-anger.

It took me several hours to determine WHY I was off my “perch”; he was/is totally lovely, a great ‘catch’ (does this come from: Fish In The Sea phrases we grew up with ??), so why the bad mood ?

I figured out that his lack of questions made me feel as if I did not exist…which was a scar from my childhood….my father and brother ignored me or was verbally abusive….not a good first impression of the male specie.
And, being that I have never had a totally healthy relationship with either of my husbands (how could I…...I picked the ‘wrong’ men.), my deductive reasoning was set until 3 days ago:
My father was a man. My father was abusive. Bob is a man, ergo, Bob will be abusive. UMPH!

My relationship coach, Bobbi Palmer (http://datelikeagrownup.wordpress.com) argued with me that the fact that he did not ask a lot of questions like my friends do, does not mean he is not interested. “CHANGE THE DEDUCTION,” she told me. “NO”….was my reaction. I held onto the perception of men because it was comfortable to me. Fear is the ironworker of our inner 4 year old; she holds onto these mis-conceptions for protection against future onslaught. The past will become the future.

And, the next evening when I was on a date with bachelor # 13, and he did span ask a lot of questions, my whole persona shifted…I was more animated, more engaged, and I was having a great time. What did I learn?
A. Men who are in sales move through the world differently than attorneys, doctors, architects, etc. and their asking questions doesn’t necessarily mean anything but gathering information.
B. Men who are grown up move through dating differently
C. This is really about my choice to heal, move ahead to the next level and leave behind the iron structure that has now become fluid and soft.

So, here it is Sunday morning and I have heard twice from #12 since our lunch on Thursday, not a peep from #13….

And the beat goes on…