When ever I talk to either groups of people or individuals, inevitability they ask me if I do what Suze Orman does. I do not dispense financial advice, nor tell people how to get out of debt, nor give them financial tools.
What I do is help them dig deep into the reasons WHY they have so much debt, why they cannot manage their money, why personal finances has become the theater in which they express their pain.
The Financial Whisperer is about healing the source of the pain, not stage II, as I call financial planners and people like Suze Orman. People cannot keep their commitments unless they have healed, so when Suze Orman gives you advice as to personal budgeting, so many people fail at it because their foundation is not solid.
And, Suze Orman only focuses on financial issues. I always say to people: "it's not really about the money; it's about your relationships with the material world, whether it be spouses, children, co-workers, friends, your home, etc.
A little detective work goes a long way on the path to self-awareness.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Living Debt-Free
Oddly enough, living debt-free starts in your head. Seeking financial advice from people who themselves are internally grounded is always a good thing. But, taking their advice in other areas in which they are struggling, needs to be put in context.
One of the financial tools I talk about in our workshops is:
The Elephant in the Living room is Blocking your Doorway to Success. How you manage money, your personal finances, personal budgeting, is all about relationships; the elephant represents your fears. What we don't talk about actually controls us. Regardless of it's subject.
How can you live debt-free or even get out of debt unless you have enough income to off set the expenses you have accumulated ?
If that fear is holding you back from making more money, then you are sitting on the sofa staring at that animal...
But, sitting on the sofa can also be valuable time used: acknowledging that it is FEAR that is holding you back, and using tools to calm your inner four year-old will be the path out of that room. And,in little steps.
After all, how big is the step of a four year-old ? That's where self compassion steps in to hold that moment of fear, breathe and proceed with clarity.
One of the financial tools I talk about in our workshops is:
The Elephant in the Living room is Blocking your Doorway to Success. How you manage money, your personal finances, personal budgeting, is all about relationships; the elephant represents your fears. What we don't talk about actually controls us. Regardless of it's subject.
How can you live debt-free or even get out of debt unless you have enough income to off set the expenses you have accumulated ?
If that fear is holding you back from making more money, then you are sitting on the sofa staring at that animal...
But, sitting on the sofa can also be valuable time used: acknowledging that it is FEAR that is holding you back, and using tools to calm your inner four year-old will be the path out of that room. And,in little steps.
After all, how big is the step of a four year-old ? That's where self compassion steps in to hold that moment of fear, breathe and proceed with clarity.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Get out of Debt
So often people ask me for financial advice, help with debt, how to manage their personal finances.
My response always is: That is the back end of the horse; the front end needs to get attended to first.
What happened in your childhood lays the groundwork for your relationship with money.
For that matter, for your relationships with everything in the material world.
Women and money is a very hot topic these days. The irony is: women have always suffered with financial issues, but up until now,they have been hidden in plain sight.
So, how you handle money can display the pain from your early years...before you were 6 years old.
Men's issues are different from women's; women have a lot of shame surrounding their finances, a lot of guilt, and generally a lack of boundaries that are always getting crossed.
And, what makes it more complicated is isolation. When people are in pain and withdraw, the pain becomes more acute because their underlying fears come out to play.
Talking to others, joining Debtor's Anonymous, sharing the pain in the appropriate places is one way to start the journey of healing the shame.
My response always is: That is the back end of the horse; the front end needs to get attended to first.
What happened in your childhood lays the groundwork for your relationship with money.
For that matter, for your relationships with everything in the material world.
Women and money is a very hot topic these days. The irony is: women have always suffered with financial issues, but up until now,they have been hidden in plain sight.
So, how you handle money can display the pain from your early years...before you were 6 years old.
Men's issues are different from women's; women have a lot of shame surrounding their finances, a lot of guilt, and generally a lack of boundaries that are always getting crossed.
And, what makes it more complicated is isolation. When people are in pain and withdraw, the pain becomes more acute because their underlying fears come out to play.
Talking to others, joining Debtor's Anonymous, sharing the pain in the appropriate places is one way to start the journey of healing the shame.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Personality Prostitute
The other day, a friend lamented to me:
“My husband is starting to complain that I am no longer the sweet and compliant women I used to be” (as she put her hand on her thrusted forward hip with a sassy look on her lips and raised eyebrow)
I smiled and said: “ Thank goodness…”
His statement was partially true; she had been changing. What accounted for this shift?
Well, for starters, she spent the last two years gradually reclaiming her life…one small cat paw at a time. And, this past summer she really confronted, head on, the monsters in her closet, and healed that painful portion of her childhood.
The irony was: when they first met 7 years ago, she was sassy, clear; assertive…that’s partly why he liked her. But slowly over time, she started to shift away from her real self. Why?
Mate selection is not random. It is a subtle dance of the un-conscious to attempt to gain and heal damage from our childhoods…. and exists in symbols and metaphors. And, because our lives are so complicated, we travel on this journey on multiple planes simultaneously.
In Barbara’s case, what she found appealing about Bob, in part was a familiar piece of her Dad, who had been kind and loving to her. But her Dad had some managing money issues, which she stepped into helping him when she was 17. She was the rescuer. Hmmm..let’s red flag this. Bob had personal budgeting issues; let’s red flag this too.
They had other issues too, but let’s flash forward the really big one:
The judgmental and angry mother. Her Mother did not allow her little girl to be herself. Her rage and narcissism came first. So, Barbara’s life went off track.
The message Barbara received by her Mother’s selfishness was:
“I come first.” So, Barbara’s goal growing up was: get everyone to approve of me, like me, hide my real feelings so I don’t alienate anyone, hunker down and be a ‘good’ girl.
Barbara’s first marriage was to a well-known actor. Who was self-centered (see the pattern starting?) and of course no room for Barbara.
Marriage #2 seemed very different on the surface…caring, easy going guy who could not get out of debt, took financial advice and then did nothing with it.
Marriage # 3 seemed the ideal; affectionate, wanted children, seemed devoted to her and yet, as time went on, and they started having children, she saw the split between words and actions. And, his temper controlled her. During their early years together, as he became more comfortable, and she experienced his rage on a different level…so it took her a long time to see in fact she did marry her Mother, again. And in those early years she started to surrender her true personality in the attempt to ‘buy off’ the rejecting qualities of her Mother. And, there were things about him that genuinely healed her and gave her a place from which she could start to reclaim her life.
Complicated. We are all so complicated, and yet living can be and should be so simple.
So, as her life is becoming more authentic, more ‘her’, he is feeling increasingly more ineffective in controlling her with his moods and temper….and it feeds his insecurities. Will she leave him? Clearly she has eclipsed him. Will he change? People can surprise us, but true change comes from our own desire to heal, not from fear of losing someone else.
“My husband is starting to complain that I am no longer the sweet and compliant women I used to be” (as she put her hand on her thrusted forward hip with a sassy look on her lips and raised eyebrow)
I smiled and said: “ Thank goodness…”
His statement was partially true; she had been changing. What accounted for this shift?
Well, for starters, she spent the last two years gradually reclaiming her life…one small cat paw at a time. And, this past summer she really confronted, head on, the monsters in her closet, and healed that painful portion of her childhood.
The irony was: when they first met 7 years ago, she was sassy, clear; assertive…that’s partly why he liked her. But slowly over time, she started to shift away from her real self. Why?
Mate selection is not random. It is a subtle dance of the un-conscious to attempt to gain and heal damage from our childhoods…. and exists in symbols and metaphors. And, because our lives are so complicated, we travel on this journey on multiple planes simultaneously.
In Barbara’s case, what she found appealing about Bob, in part was a familiar piece of her Dad, who had been kind and loving to her. But her Dad had some managing money issues, which she stepped into helping him when she was 17. She was the rescuer. Hmmm..let’s red flag this. Bob had personal budgeting issues; let’s red flag this too.
They had other issues too, but let’s flash forward the really big one:
The judgmental and angry mother. Her Mother did not allow her little girl to be herself. Her rage and narcissism came first. So, Barbara’s life went off track.
The message Barbara received by her Mother’s selfishness was:
“I come first.” So, Barbara’s goal growing up was: get everyone to approve of me, like me, hide my real feelings so I don’t alienate anyone, hunker down and be a ‘good’ girl.
Barbara’s first marriage was to a well-known actor. Who was self-centered (see the pattern starting?) and of course no room for Barbara.
Marriage #2 seemed very different on the surface…caring, easy going guy who could not get out of debt, took financial advice and then did nothing with it.
Marriage # 3 seemed the ideal; affectionate, wanted children, seemed devoted to her and yet, as time went on, and they started having children, she saw the split between words and actions. And, his temper controlled her. During their early years together, as he became more comfortable, and she experienced his rage on a different level…so it took her a long time to see in fact she did marry her Mother, again. And in those early years she started to surrender her true personality in the attempt to ‘buy off’ the rejecting qualities of her Mother. And, there were things about him that genuinely healed her and gave her a place from which she could start to reclaim her life.
Complicated. We are all so complicated, and yet living can be and should be so simple.
So, as her life is becoming more authentic, more ‘her’, he is feeling increasingly more ineffective in controlling her with his moods and temper….and it feeds his insecurities. Will she leave him? Clearly she has eclipsed him. Will he change? People can surprise us, but true change comes from our own desire to heal, not from fear of losing someone else.
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