Silence is the currency of Shame

How many of you, when starting to feel that heat arise in their soul, and their stomach turn acidic, want to bury their face when feeling shame?

What do we do as a normal, knee-jerk reaction?
We are SILENT, we withdraw, and we turn away.
Some of us become more of_______________; more of a perfectionist, create more chaos, procrastinate more. We inflate what fuels our comfort level in spite of it often being dysfunctional. We need to keep ourselves in constant motion so we don’t feel the searing heat of that shame. Remember that phrase: “Dancing as fast as I can?” That’s what we do when that shame trigger gets touched. And, no one but us can see it…that’s the beauty of it besides the real bonus is that we get to see something in live time that we can actually work on to heal.

Whose needs get met by our silence? Only the monsters in the closet, only the fears that were created when we were very young that came from not be allowed to be separate, to be truly ourselves.

We were born, for the most part, into families where our own parents were still four years old emotionally themselves, and battered about by older siblings, who saw us as competition for the grand prize:
Our parent’s affection and attention.

Our old, cemented fears require a lot of patience, compassion and awareness in order to heal. The on going battle between our projections, which sometimes feel like monkey chatter and our grounded adult wisdom, lessens as we keep identifying exactly what is underneath the shame: FEAR of abandonment. That is how we felt when we were three, and our egos were not crystallized enough to push back that what was imposed upon us. Shame was DONE to us, given to us, placed upon us like a bathrobe…it’s the ‘gift’ that keeps on giving if you don’t understand what it is and where it came from.

The Codebook...

So, how do we find the 'codebook ' ?

Look in the mirror, you already have it....inside of yourself.

How do you access it ? You are asking,...well, a wise person once said:
"One cannot see themselves in running water"

When we are fearful,angry,anxious, we are not in the moment; we have been transported back in time to a feeling that has been triggered, and we sit in that canoe, in that running river...allowing our imagination to create havoc with the "what-if's", taking us down stream in a mild hysteria.

The things we need to do are: STAY IN THE CANOE and BREATHE DEEPLY. Remind ourselves that we are adults now and we have adult-like skills to cope, AND, that we will find the solution, but we need to calm down and find compassion for ourselves.
Finding the compassion requires PATIENCE.
These are primary tools to decipher the codebook.

When you are calm, your creative side will appear and offer suggestions. After all, the side of your brain that created the problem is not the same side of the brain that will solve it. (Einstein) Your authentic side has the answers.

Now that you are an adult, you get the chance to back to your young childhood and really nurture your inner 4 year-old in a way that she never was attended to. This is not easy, this is not fast, BUT, it is the only way to heal. If you can't ground your inner 4 year-old, she will forever be acting out, searching for financial stress relief but unable to connect the dots. Her deep seated fear of ending up alone and broke will underlie all of her actions.

She needs help, and you are the only one who can do it now. Winning the lottery just disguises the deep pain and reinforces the sense of isolation.

Move through the day with compassion for your past and patience for your future.

We Are Prisoners of Our Childhoods

The messages we received as very young children are imprinted with indelible ink; they become like a freckle on our brain, they become the lenses through which we see and experience our adult lives. And, the connection from one repeated message when we were 4, for example, does not directly translate to one’s behavior when we are 44. It is in symbols, metaphors, and mis-assumptions.

And, they can appear in layers, which can further obstruct easy viewing.
A person can experience a duality..shame and sadness, guilt and anger, chaos and fear. But, this occurs because one’s sub-conscious is designed to protect us…so, only what one is ready to fully understand will be revealed. We have all the true answers inside of ourselves, but they are in code.

So, where is the codebook? Who can decipher the road ahead for us?

Children’s emotional compass is set by the time they are 5. Scary thought, actually. Children are like sponges...they absorb EVERYTHING…they do not know the difference between good and bad, healthy or un-healthy, right or wrong. They are totally innocent and for the most part just take it all in.

So, it is up to the parents to set the boundaries, the rules of ‘engagement’ as it were, so this new little entity gets a chance to be themselves, gets appreciated for being an individual, for being separate and not at the whim of the siblings and other caregivers who can be toxic.

But, for the most part, most of us did not grow up in that ideal environment, on the contrary. We spend so much of our adult life trying to un-do the damage we experienced as very young children.

The codebook is inside of you; you have all the answers. You just need permission to access them.

Next Blog we will talk about how to gain access.

Loosing your compass...

We are all born unique. Our feelings establish our identities. What feels good to one person may not be pleasurable to another. But, how many of us grew up in environments where we were told what to feel, what to think, what to be.
Which should not be confused with socializing. It is the parent’s responsibility to shape their children into productive and happy adults.
Right now, you are probably asking yourself: “what planet is Pegi from?”

The disconnect is: what our parents SHOULD have done verses what actually happened. In that regard, we are victims…we were innocent. They took our compasses away with their judgments, shame, criticisms, and replaced it with insecurities, doubt, anger, mis-trust of ourselves.

What is your true north?
How do you now, as an adult, reclaim your true identity?

It is not easy, but very doable. I know because this was my journey.

It starts with compassion for one’s self. Now, this was not easy for me, so I started by having compassion for others…trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, cutting them some slack, distancing myself from their “stuff” because whatever they were going through, I could not help them. My historic way of ‘fixing it’ or attempting to, really served no one but my ego. And, ultimately, they really never took my advice anyway.

Having compassion requires patience. Another topic foreign to me. I could not even spell patience. But, when you realize how little control you actually have in this world, it starts to be a real relief when you get past the old triggers and see that the only one you do have control over is yourself.

And, compassion is not just about the present…it’s about the past. That’s where most of my work had to be done; forgiving myself for some of the really dumb things I had done. Putting them into the perspective of: I did the best I could at the time. I made a decision based upon FEAR. And, as I have learned: EVERY DECISION MADE FROM FEAR will come back to bite you. I am not talking about something like: afraid to get on a plane. I am talking about the fear that emanates from not being authentic.

So, being compassionate is very related to being authentic. When you are being authentic, the chances that your heart and mind are open is greatly increased, thus allowing room for compassion.

Go forth with compassion for your past and patience for your future.