Intimacy...

This time of year evokes so many emotions for people, more so than any other holiday.
Why? Because so much of it starts when we are children...and the traditions, rituals, expectations and fantasies get supported by cultural stereo types: classic films with snow, people all seeming filled with good will, young children believing someone actually comes down the chimney, and everything having a happy ending; Macy's loves Gimbals, Jimmy Stewart comes to his senses, guns are silent for those on the battle fronts.

But...for many, the reality is not so romantic. The holidays for them stir up feelings of yearning and loss; of emptiness and dread, of guilt and duty. So many people get on a plane, go to where their families are, get surrounded by siblings and relatives they do not feel even remotely connected to.

What is that missing link that everyone wants but rarely gets?
Intimacy with their primary family members.

What is intimacy?
It is the undisguised face that you have when with someone you trust on the deepest level; you can be totally raw, authentic, revealing and they won't walk away from you.
They will not mock your feelings, judge your thoughts or dismiss your pain and confusion.
They will take it all in and hold those moments with the utmost gentleness and protection...all to make you feel safe. Those nano-seconds can feel like an eternity...that is both blissful and tentative.

Intimacy is first established by parents. If they cannot be intimate with themselves, they cannot teach it to their children. Most parents did not receive it from their parents, and the cycle continues.But, it is not too late to find it as an adult...just takes more awareness and courage to create.

So, what many people do, is they go outside their primary unit to get that nurturing if they understand it.
If they don't understand that piece, they have varied types of relationships that are like a patchwork quilt, always making excuses as to why they put up with some friends' bad behaviors. But the loneliness hides in the shadows, always waiting to slip out and grab hold of you, if only for a few minutes.

What feeds the loneliness in part, is the detachment from our authentic selves and the fear of expressing what we really want, what we really need. So often, children grow up in environments where their desires are criticized, judged, squashed down. The message that child takes away from those encounters is: you are not worthy, you do not matter except to serve me, my needs are more important than yours.

So, now that we are adults, how do we chip away at that loneliness? How do we feel intact while being separate from others?

We accomplish that by again, dialoging with our inner 5 year old, who we place on our lap, and ask her very directly how she feels (alone) and what would make her feel better that 'we' could do on our own? What would make her smile ?
She will have amazing answers...it comes down to feeling you deserve pleasure..you deserve to feel good and calm.
As soon as you shift the focus from powerlessness to being active, the loneliness will shift. Sometimes for me, I start cleaning an area with a toothbrush, which helps me get into motion and be distracted from my thoughts..which then creates a pathway for pleasure to slip in and make her desires be known...without judgments.
So, the house is cleaner and my metaphorical house feels better too.

Because I get to talk to so many women, day in and day out on a deeply personal level, I start to feel I have become the expert on loneliness; where it starts, how it moves through one’s life like a constant companion, patiently waiting in the shadows for the just the right opening to creep in, like a vapor under the door jam.

The consistency that makes this such a universal experience is that everyone I talk with has had a childhood of interrupted and denied pleasure. That’s where loneliness, which breeds isolation, gets it’s start; that’s where the cement is poured, and set for life. So, it is no wonder that a 45 year old person can drift into such isolation, claiming they are bored, cannot find anything of interest to do, sits home feeling withdrawn, goes shopping just to be out and loses interest her purchases a week later, eats when not really hungry, and goes through the day feeling numb.

When adults have a challenging time trying to identify what gives them joy, pleasure or a sense of fulfillment, it is rooted in their early years. Parents, care givers, teachers have all the power when a child is young…their encouragement to be themselves, rather than fit into a pre-prescribed mode, helps confirm to the child that they, themselves, have value; that being an individual separate from the adult, and having their own feelings, confirms their identity. That is one of the presets of joy and pleasure. This is one of the building blocks of self-esteem.

Everyone is entitled to be happy…it’s even in our Constitution. But most parents never were allowed to be themselves either, so the cycle continues. They had to fit into a certain mode of expectations.

So many people lament about feeling alone…even when in a relationship. What’s the problem?
The answer is: not being self-nurturing, not giving one’s self-permission to have joy, pleasure, and self- amusement. And, being in a relationship that lacks true emotional intimacy just further extends one’s sense of isolation. External relationships can nurture us and sustain us only so long. We ourselves need to connect with our own sense of self to really feel whole.

Everyone I have spoken with this month has expressed the same thoughts about 2009...a year of enormous challenge, adversity in some cases and growth.
I know for me, 2010 is the year to put into action what I learned this past year about letting go and trusting what I cannot touch in my hands.

Happy New Year.....