Why Change Sometimes Makes us feel Schizophrenic

It sometimes amazes me that the first 5 years of our lives determines how we move through the world; and that we can then spend the next 85 years trying to heal those wounds. Somehow, that doesn't seem fair.

As we embark on a journey of self-discovery, the road at times feels as if we are walking on broken glass. The slivers and jagged edges is so painful we question will it ever end. When will the pain stop. But, from my experience, I never looked back and wished I had not asked "WHY", never regretted breaking free from the falsehoods.

The further we move down the road away from that inauthentic life that we were on some level forced to lead, we look back and ask: WHO WAS THAT PERSON? I know for myself, I am almost embarrassed when I am face to face with my "old" self, like talking to my ex-husband today. How in the world did I marry him? I ask myself: did I have that much damaged self-esteem that I settled for someone who was such a poor fit.

But, this is where compassion comes in. Without it, we cannot forgive anyone, anywhere.
Without it, we can not move forward.

But, this is where the Schizophrenic feeling starts to bubble up. Two opposing feelings, two opposing thoughts having a tug-o-war in my head. The Bunny and the Wolf.
Fear verses strength. And that battle can take on a life and death intensity.
I talked about this in September's blog.
Why am I bringing this up again, you might be asking....

I came across something I wrote 3 years ago, and it was about becoming non-negotiable, trusting one's self, finally. And clarity of one's boundaries. I was at the beginning of my evolution of becoming my own person, leaving behind that collage of feelings, behaviors and haunting feelings that something was always 'off'. Talk about going through life feeling slightly schizophrenic...

Looking back at my young adult years, up to 3 years ago, I can see how we all change in layers...much like ascending a spiral staircase and looking down; the perspective changes as we go up, and the problem gets smaller as we heal.

And frankly,for me, it was not a road filled with compassion. Quite the opposite. But, I did finally learn the purpose and benefit of compassion, which helped me gain patience, another kind word absent from my formative years.

Change is never easy. It takes raw honesty,discipline and commitment...and, patience.