Self-Criticism is our default button

I always use the metaphor of a cracked wagon wheel to illustrate the following: if our self-esteem is damaged (the core) then the wheel will wobble as it rolls down the street. Each spoke represents different aspects of our lives: family, finances, health, partners, etc.

In trying to explain to a client why she always feels inadequate, not smart, less than...always going to the negative, I took the wagon wheel metaphor an laid it flat, like a roulette wheel, and then said: "you always NEED to be someplace other than the present...like the little metal ball that randomly skips around as the wheel is turning, looking for a place to settle. If it's not your career, it's your body, if it's not your body, it's your intelligence; if not that, it's your________________. Doesn't matter, it's always SOMETHING.

It needs to be because every time you step into the light of authenticity, you can only tolerate the brightness for so long, because you DO NOT RECOGNIZE yourself as separate from the adapted self you learned as a child in order to survive your childhood. If you could hold up a mirror in those moments, you would be surprised at the face staring back.

You would ask: "Who is THAT ?"

This is part of your journey to re-claim that which was hijacked from you. When children are not encouraged to be themselves, to have their own feelings separate from their parents and older siblings, they create an adapted persona in order to not disturb the dynamics and alienate the caregivers.

Children very early on understand the concept of making Mommy and Daddy happy, or so they think. They will fuss with older siblings who reject them. It's always about who has the power, at some point. And, it's almost never the younger child who has any direct power. Sometimes younger children get power from appearing to be the sick one, the victim, the frail one, so they get all the attention, pushing the older children to manage on their own. I have heard from many older siblings how their parents used to say to them: "Your sister needs to much attention, and you are so capable, so, we don't worry about you."

Ouch ! The older children's needs just get sidelined. And often, they feel guilt or shame if they express their needs and wants; their sense of entitlements get squashed.

It's time to re-claim your life, your needs and your identity. It's all waiting for you, just around the bend...start with keeping commitments to yourself, as small as they may seem. Building self-respect is one of the stepping stones to healing. You cannot garnish self-respect without self-integrity.