Growing up in an environment where nothing I did was ever good enough; the constant implication that there was 'something wrong' with me added to my sense of isolation and inability to make genuine friends as a youngster. On a deep psychic level, the unspoken question lingered : "If I am not good enough for my family, why would a stranger want me..?" Always feeling like the black sheep, feeling like the outcast took it's toll on my self-esteem. I had never 'fit-in'.
Most of my adult life was spent surrounding myself with people who kept reinforcing that rejection because the dance was familiar to me. Breeding ground for self-loathing, for sure.
It was not until I was 38 that I met a woman for whom I was working, who said to me one day:
"You have such a good heart, a pure soul and a beautiful spirit." No one had ever said such a kind thing to me. That was the turning point for me.
I have spent 20+ years trying to find self-compassion and joy.
When I read the beginning of Susan Piver's book : HOW NOT TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN LIFE, and her comment was: "Not fitting in finally had it's place" I knew I was onto something profound. Someone else had been the black sheep, someone else suffered as I had.
Having self-compassion is a practice that starts today. Being able to hold our anger, fears, pain in the cup of our upward palms, and looking right at them, gives us breathing room for forgiveness. We are all flawed...we are supposed to be. How boring would life be if we were all alike, we would have nothing to learn, nowhere to grow, no next step.
Do you have a ritual you can count on when you start to feel as if you are going out of 'focus' ?
How do you manage your fears, anger and pain ?
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